When Death Is Near

5 Stages of Grief When a Pet Dies

Grieving is a natural reaction to loss of any kind. Synonyms for grief and loss include; misery, sadness, tribulation, affliction, heartache, woe, trial, anguish, mourning, distress and lamentation. When we lose a pet to old age or accident or if we have made the hard to decision to euthanize, we have grief when our pet dies. 

Society has long recognized that humans need to express this grief when another human dies, but has disregarded how deeply many feel about their pet loss.  However, as we are learning more and more about the interaction with humans and animals, it is becoming more acceptable to honor the sadness we feel when a pet dies.

The five stages of grief were first developed by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and tend to follow a pretty standard pattern. Not all people will feel them in this order, or  some may experience one more deeply than the others.

1. Denial and Depression - When you realize your best friend and beloved pet is going to die, you may tell yourself that the vet has it wrong and things are not as bad as they seem.
2. Bargaining - This is less likely to happen with your animal, but you may still find yourself trying to talk him or her into trying this new medicine, or therapy or offering bribes of special treats if they will get better. A friend decided she would stop drinking wine if her cat did not have to die.
3. Pain and Anger -  You may direct your anger at someone unrelated to the issue. Many people have told me that they feel anger at co-workers who don't seem to understand the bond of human and animal friends. This death or impending death may also bring up old issues you have never dealt with.
4. Grief and Loss -  By this stage, guilt, denial and anger have subsided and you are now feeling the emptiness of the loss.. This is the stage where you need to have support and understanding.  The less support you have, the longer this wounded feeling will last.
5. Acceptance and Moving on - It will take some time, but I promise you the grieving will end. Your pet will no longer be the first thing you think of each day and the last thing you think of each night. At some point, you will be able to remember all the fun times without it hurting.  You may even be ready to obtain a new pet.  

Pet lovers all grieve when their special pet dies, but understanding the stages of grief and loss will help you deal with the loss with the minimum of heartache and the maximum of fond memories.

I would like to invite you to go to http://www.deathofmypet.com for an amazing eBook filled with stories, photos and quotes to help you on this journey of grieving the loss of a pet. It is called "I Lost My Best Friend Today - Dealing With The Loss of a Pet" You will feel it has been written just for you and it has.

With love and appreciation,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker.

http://www.ArtichokePress.com 

Disbelief About Death of a Loved One

eaThe days and weeks following the death of a loved one, whether human or  a beloved animal companion, may pass in a blur.  It is human nature to want to wish away grief with disbelief. It is possible for belief and disbelief to operate in our sub conscious minds at the same time. There is a part of our mind that helps us to endure that which is unthinkable.

 

While we may acknowledge that a loss has occurred, we keep looking for clues or signals that our loved one is still living and will continue in our loving relationship.  This may continue for many years that you think you spot your loved one in a crowd, or you smell the special smell that belongs only to him or her.

 

Reactions to Bad News

 

Unexpected announcements of a terminal illness, untimely death or sudden emergency will bring about many inevitable questions and decisions that you are unprepared for. If you have had no warning and no time to prepare disbelief is a protection of a shattered heart.

 

You may very well react with statements like; “oh no, you have made a mistake. He was fine this morning.” What we really mean is “This is too much to bear at once and so I must resist the fact.”  This is the part of the grieving process and is perfectly normal.

 

Grief is an Emotional Weight

 

In addition to the weight of the loss, there is also another major reason that we tend to put off truly believing in the death of our loved one.  That reason is because by acknowledging and accepting the death of someone close to you, means that you accept that you too will die. There is a reluctance to admit your own mortality.

 

This may force you to face your own deep-seated fears about death and dying. In addition to the multitude of practical matters to decide, you may welcome the busyness involved so that you don’t have to deal with the spiritual issues.

 

Bereavement is a Shock

 

Loss of a loved one is first encountered as a shock to your system.  You may feel as if you are covered with cotton batting or layers of gauze. You take care of the necessary details, but almost in slow motion.

 

It is a blow to our lives when we lose someone and the weight of the grief will take time, thought, tears and lots of friends to get through this period in your life.

 

Do not be concerned if you feel numb, disbelieving or in shock.  Don’t allow anyone make you feel guilty because it seems that you are not dealing with this as they would like. This is your personal journey and one that you will take at the pace your heart and soul can handle.

 

Healing From the Pain Takes Time

 

Grief is a slow process and often takes one or two years to begin to feel “normal” again.  That does not mean that you will always hurt this badly, but you do need to give yourself permission to heal your way.

 

You may find comfort, sympathy and support with a group of people who have undergone similar losses.  It has helped me in the past and I am confident it will also help you to understand the feelings and emotions you are now experiencing.

Pet Loss is Depressing - 5 Ways to Help Ease Your Pain

Are you lonely, sad and depressed from the death  or loss of your pet? These feelings of pain and anxiety are perfectly normal, but you can find peace again. Do you view your pet as a member of your family, your closest friend, and constant companion?

If you or someone you care about has pets, there will be a tremendous sense of loss when that pet dies, runs away or has to be euthanized.  Each day with our pet is special and brings joy to both the owner and the owned (sometimes it is hard to determine who owns who, do you agree?)

5 Ways to Help Ease Your Pain

There is never just "one way" to heal from a traumatic blow to your life, but here are some suggestions that have worked for me and others I have counseled in grief workshops.  I know this because not only have I had a number of deaths of family members and beloved pets, but have volunteered with Hospice and done much research in the grieving process.

• Don't let others tell you how you should feel or minimize your feelings to make others more comfortable.
• Write about your feelings, either in a journal or a poem. 
• Prepare a memorial and tribute for your friend, perhaps plant a flower or tree in memory of your bereaved. 
• Find a support group in your area, or on-line  
• Give yourself time. You have received a deep blow to your heart and need some time to heal.                 

 Do You Feel Like You Just Lost Your Closest and Most Loyal Friend 

Your pain over the loss of your pet is very real, but it is my hope that these suggestions will help ease your heart ache. 

I know that pets are mare than just animals..They are our closest friends, constant companions and integral parts of our family.  They model unconditional love and teach us to be better people for having known them.

Ask For Help If You Need It To Heal

If you think the pain, depression and sadness that you are experiencing are simply obstacles that you must suffer through, you are mistaken.  You do not have to do this by yourself. There are others who understand your pain. 

Let's be honest, nobody wants to spend their time grieving, sad and alone.  But we all must go through it at some point during our life.  The thing is, there ARE ways to go through the grief process that help us heal and also allow us to honor and preserve the memory of those we lost while also contributing to our own strength and well-being. 

If you are interested in gaining more support from others who have experienced what you have, please go to http://www.deathofmypet.com  for a wonderful collection of stories, poems, photos and suggestions on dealing with the loss of a pet.

My heart goes out to you,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

PS: Please check it out, it may be just what you are looking for today. http://www.deathofmypet.com

Help Children Deal With Pet Loss

Hello from beautiful Montana:

How do you help your children deal with the loss of a Pet?

Most young children are more curious than sad when a pet disappears.  However, it is a major turning point in their development when they see how adults deal with the loss of a pet. Remember, they are looking to you to see how to develop values, ethics and standards of behavior.

You will find most very young children ask questions to try to put the death experience in a framework they can understand and process. Under the age of six, they tend to be very self centered and assume that they may have been responsible in some way for the disappearance.

Here are some specific ways to help the different ages and stages of children deal with the loss of a pet.

Under  6 years of age

Children this young may not have had enough life experiences to truly understand what death, dying or long term illness may mean.  They will sense your emotions and may be confused unless you explain why you are sad about the family dog being ill and the loss you will feel when he dies.

Be especially reassuring that you are not upset with them or anything they did as you maintain your normal schedule and feel your own grief.

Young children will welcome a new pet and easily connect with it.

Children age 7 to 11 years old

This age group of tweens knows and understands that death is permanent. This may bring up some fears and feelings of what if a parent should become ill and die.

Young people, most do not like to be called children any more, are much more interested in the details and the morbid aspects of the death.  This is normal and their questions need to be answered in an accepting way.

If they do not have an avenue for sharing feelings, emotions and questions about the pet loss, they may have trouble sleeping, eating or begin wetting the bed again.

Sometimes the pet loss triggers other disappointments and losses in life, and the child may become withdrawn while trying to figure it all out. Or, he or she may become aggressive, argumentative and antisocial in a veiled attempt to gain attention and comfort.

Young Adults Who Lose a Pet

The loss of a pet to this age group can be particularly hard.  The Pet may have been a source of unconditional love and companionship during childhood. Many young people look at their pet as an anchor of childhood; always loving, forgiving and loyal.

Peer acceptance of expressing feelings can make the transition easier.  If the friends downplay the sorrow, the adolescent may bury the hurt feelings and questions in his heart, and not feel safe sharing them.

Remember this is the time in life when young adults are trying to find their own true feelings and discover who and what they are as individuals.  They may want your understanding, guidance and reassurance, but may use conflict to deflect the opportunities to share.

In our family, we have found the best conversations take place late at night, when the lights are dim and there is pizza to share.  Teens and young adults open up their sore places in their hearts when you aren't eye-ball to eye-ball and busy with a million other things.

I encourage you to take the time in a relaxed setting to connect with your children about how to deal with the loss of their pet.  How this is handled now, will remain with them for the rest of their life and will have an influence on how they approach death of other loved ones later in life.

Good Luck, You do an Important Work,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you feel that your life is out of balance right now, you will benefit from an affordable and effective eBook at http://artichokepress.com/products/ebooks/ballance.htm

Children and Pet Loss

Hello from Montana,

The death of a family pet may be the most traumatic loss your children face.  Young children develop very strong and deep feelings about the animals in their lives.  They may think of them as siblings, companions, playmates and protectors.

Unconditional Love Between Pets and Children

A few years ago, I was writing an article on resilient children called "Be A Bounce Back KId."  as part of the research I interviewed a dozen 5th grade and younger children about what they did to bounce back from a disappointment or a particularly bad time in their lives.

I was very surprised to find that the number one comfort for the kids was pets and animals. Those who had live pets in their lives or neighborhood would go to them for comfort and companionship.  Those that did not have live pets, had a stuffed animal which represented comfort for them.

Many expressed the belief that the animals loved them unconditionally.  It did not matter if they got a D in school or wasn't chosen for the school play.  Their dog was happy to see them anyway. Laughing and playing with the pet helped them to bounce back from the bad day.

Emotional Stress On Losing a Pet

Even seemingly well adjusted adults grieve over the death of their best friend and pet. It then stands to reason, that children will have questions, concerns and worries over the death process and what happens afterward.

Parents need to be effective listeners to the questions the children may ask as well as the unspoken concerns the child may not bring up in conversation. It is wise to be ready to explain what has happened to the animal, offer information and be careful not to project our own emotional bias on the situation.

Common Concerns of Children Around the Loss of a Pet

• Was it my fault for not feeding him last week?
• Will he come back? 
• Where did he go? 
• Where is he right now (May want to see the body or find out where it is) 
• If I get sick, will you have the doctor give me a shot to make me die?  
• What if I go to sleep and don't wake up? 
• What if I forget him?   
• Why did God want him, he was our dog. 

 

Adults Need to Model That it is Okay to Feel Sad

Our tendency is to try to protect small children from the harsh realities of life.  However, by not acknowledging our own mourning and sadness, the child may feel less inclined to share his concerns. 

children look to us for guidance in word as well as actions.  If they are old enough to reason, then they can sense there is something wrong and they are being left out of the conversations about topics that concern them.

The death of a pet to children matters a great deal in their young life.  How this is handled now will remain with the child for the rest of his life.

Children are Resilient, But Need Guidance

A child's ability to cope is very much dependent on the adults around him. I encourage honest and open communication as well an opportunity to share feelings, fear and concerns without judgment. This will assist them in not only dealing with the death of their pet, but other disappointments in their lives.

Good luck in this important endeavor,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

PS: If you would like assistance in being more resilient, check out the affordable and effective eBook "Living a Balanced Life" in the on-line store at http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Funerals and Memorials-Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep

Hello from Montana:

It seems there have been a lot of deaths of important people in the news lately, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawsett, Ed McMahan and others. We feel sadness for their families and friends However, the most important funeral, memorial and grave is the one of your own loved one.  If you have recently lost a friend, family member or close associate, I extend my deepest sympathy to you.

When I have been asked to speak at funerals and memorials, I often refer to this favorite poem. Perhaps it will bring you comfort or give you words to match your thoughts. It is often easier to use another person's words because they express what you want to say.

Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn's rain.

Do not stand at my grave and mourn.
I am the dew-flecked grass at dawn.
Where tranquil oceans meet the land
I am the footprints in the sand
To guide you through the weary day.
I am still here; I'll always stay.

When you wake up to morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die.

Original attributed to Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004)
Middle verse added by Lucie Storrs (1967-    )

It is a wonderful honor to be asked to share a eulogy of a loved one who has died. It is also very frightening to try to find the words and expressions which will bring comfort to the bereaved.
You can do it , I believe in you.

Would you like additional poems to comfort the grieving? Visit http://www.DoNotWeep.com  This is a wonderful collection of literature dealing with loss and death. If you choose to order it, you will be glad you did. I certainly was.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker
http://www.ArtichokePress.com

Feelings and Emotions Around Loss of Loved One

Loss of a Loved One is Devastating Blow

You can expect a wide range of emotions when you have lost someone who had influence in your life.  Don't feel like you should only expect feelings of love, for that is only one of the many emotions that come gurgling to the surface when someone you loved has died.

The labor of grieving and truly feeling the emotions surrounding the loss of a loved one is very complex and sometimes hard to understand. Many people judge others because they don't seem to be "doing it right."

No One Way to Grieve or to Feel

The only loving advice I would give you is to be gentle with yourself. Expect to feel emotions in unexpected ways. You may have the urge to anesthetize feelings and drown the hurt with food, drugs, alcohol, work or being busy all the time. 

I would urge you to feel the feelings fully as they come up, because if you stuff them down, they will not go away. Indeed, they may resurface later when you least expect them.

Feelings You May Experience

• Fear, anxiety and panic
• Anger at the person who died, at medical personnel, at yourself or others  
• Depression or emotional flatness, with  a feeling of "Why bother" or "What's the use of trying." 
• Confusion and a reduced attention span  
• Numbness, shock and disbelief 
• Loneliness and isolation  
• Hunger for someone to really listen to your story
• Pain, both physical and emotional  
• Guilt and regrets. Lots of "if only..." 
• Emptiness and a missing part of you  
• Relief, which in many instances provides conflict in your mind 
• Replaying the scene over and over in your mind  
• Tired body but unable to sleep      

Death may happen in a moment, but feeling the emotions around that loss of a loved one will take time, lots of time.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel the Way You Feel 

How and what you feel is your right as an individual. If you would benefit from a support group of others who are Bereaved, I urge you to go. It was beneficial to me and to many others I have spoken to. It feels good to be surrounded by others who may not know exactly how and what you are going through, but they will be able to identify with your pain and suffering. The support and safety to share our feelings and emotions is invaluable as we move through this process.

My thoughts and hugs are with you.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and keynote speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com 

PS: If you are looking for a special book on poems and writings for those who are grieving, I have found one at http://www.DoNotWeep.com  that I recommend. I also give this to friends who are mourning the loss of loved one, both human and animal.

When Death Brings Relief

Hello from beautiful Montana:

When a friend's son who had severe mental problems committed suicide, she commented to me at the service; "well, at least I know where he is tonight."

To feel relief at the death of another is not often acknowledged or spoken about. It seems a taboo subject that not every death brings great sadness but may actually bring a sense of relief.

In attending a seminar a few year ago called Understanding Grief, Touchstones of Healing for Family, Friends and Caregivers taught by Jennifer Elison, Ed.D. I was struck by her honesty and ability to speak the unspeakable. While she taught us the patterns of grieving and expected outcomes, she also spoke of those times when death is not a loss, but a relief.

In her book Liberating Losses  published by Lifelong Books, a member of the Perseus Books group, she shares not only her story, but the stories of others who have felt a sense of relief when death occurred. It is an excellent read and one that I have recommended and referred to often in doing grief work or examining my own emotions over loss.

As medical science has treatments and medications that keep people alive much longer than in the past, families may face years of care for someone who would not have chosen this existence.

Many conditions become chronic rather than acute. One surgery leads to complications and then another surgery, and then another and constant pain. No matter how much we love someone it impacts us to see them suffer physically and emotionally. We wish there were something we could do to alleviate their pain. We offer comfort, soup, extra pillows, a new video or book but it is never enough to end their suffering, except momentarily.

So then, why are we ashamed to admit that death bring relief, not only to the one who has passed into another plane of existence, but also to those exhausted souls left to pick up the pieces and move on?

How do you feel about this subject? Have you ever felt relief when someone died? Please feel free to leave a comment. This is a safe place to share your thoughts and emotions.

In gratitude,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke

Rituals, Memorials, Tributes and Funerals-Grieving Together

Hello from beautiful Montana:

There are many dates which bring a national or universal remembrance. For my generation, it will always be November 22, 1963 and the date John F. Kennedy was assassinated.  In the minds of Americans who were adults or near adults can remember vividly what we were doing and how we reacted when we heard the news.

For our children and our children's children the date was 911. It was an ending of an era of national confidence and a deep sadness about the losses suffered.

As a nation and a culture, we were joined in our grief and sadness.  We needed a way to express our anger, confusion and mourning. We needed a way to say Goodbye to what might have been and could be no more.  We needed closure to the intensity of feelings that grief brings to a person.

Funerals, Memorials, Tributes and Rituals Bring Comfort

The rituals and ceremonies surrounding Funerals and Memorials bring us together and bind us in our common grief and facilitate the release of the one who has died.  When we remember the intense feelings and raw emotion of the days following either a national disaster or a personal loss, we recognize the need for joining with others to release some of the emotional toll.

The Grieving Process

Many  people need a closure of a ceremony of funeral or Memorial in order to finalize the death in their minds and hearts. Some choose traditional religious services because they  provide structure and familiarity. Some choose to simply have a gathering where it is much more relaxed. At these memorials, friends and family share stories and memories which bring laughter and tears.

To be helpful to those who are survivors the ritual of the funeral or Memorial ideally will have some meaning to them personally. If possible, the ceremony will involve their participation in some small way.  This is a way to signify to each of us, no matter how closely we were affiliated, a chapter of life  is closing.

Assesment of Needs-Developing a Care Plan

Hello dear friends throughout the world.

When people are suddenly disabled, hospitalized or entering a care facility, they are often subjected to something called an assessment.  The care providers make a list of what the patient can and cannot do, have or eat/ This group of "professionals" frequently meet around a conference room table piled high with manila folders and sticky notes. Lots of coffee and donuts because making these decisions require stamina to run through the "cases" and make decisions about what will make life easier, hopefully for the patient and certainly for the staff.

Who Is In Charge Of My Life

If I sound a little cynical about others making judgment  or assessments about a patient without input from the patient, it is because I am. I was sitting in my mother's end of life room visiting when the director stopped by to tell us that they had done an assessment and this would be the plan of care from now on.

I was livid that our input was not asked for nor included in how my mother would be allowed to spend the rest of her life. I was her advocate, daughter and fairly smart woman but was not invited to the conference room to hear the discussion. Nor was I asked by them for my opinion on what things she could do and had done in the past.

Asses Strengths not Weakness

What a difference it would have made had the director, social worker, nurse or advocate ask Mom what she wanted. The most ridiculous thing "the professionals" decided was that if she played cards daily it would strengthen her hands. Mom hated playing cards and had no patience for board games, and had for the last 91 years.  She would have cared for the green plants or done hand exercises with me, not "some 12 year old kid who won't be here tomorrow" as she called the constant flux of CNA's.

Empower Yourself and Loved One to Make Decisions

By focusing on what you can and want to do, you communicate to others, that you are in control of your life.  Help your loved one make a list of inner resources, likes and dislikes and areas of strengths.  The more choices any of us have in life and approaching death, the less stress we have.

Certainly there are activities that are no longer possible, but if the interest is there, perhaps the patient can adapt or find a way to still maintain some control over choices about their care.

Good Luck, You do an Important Work in Bringing Dignity and Choice 

With Love,

Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship author and speaker

http://www.ArtichokePress.com